It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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