he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
