she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
