My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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