Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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