Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
