May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
