i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
