Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
