Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
