I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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