Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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