I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
