During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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