The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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