Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
