There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
