i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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