OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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