Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
