i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
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You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
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I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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