i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
