I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
