I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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