i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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