My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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