I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
