So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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