the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
