I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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