last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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