toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
