I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i think i just lost a toe
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