I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
