my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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