My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
