glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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