and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
