you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
