Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
