Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
This is my life. Enjoy the view
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
