we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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