So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
