sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
