I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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