we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
