So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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