U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
