i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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