The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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