I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
