Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
