and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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