I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
