buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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