sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
