I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
