Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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