He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
