I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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