Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
