I just pynch a tree in the face
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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