Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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